A Lot is on my Mind. But first an for the most part. . . Yesterday was Ethans first Pack meet, for cub scouts. An it's bringing me back to my time as a girl scout. The values, the projects, the songs an adventures you went through to get that patch, etc... But most of all, I feel bad that it's me doing it, me being there, me making this happen. I really feel like this is a Dad's place. But why am I judging? Its just what this mama does. (regardless)
Declan, On My Sweet Mama Boy. . He's having Development issues, so I'm making the appointments with the school, I'm doing the translation when they dont understand him. (it makes me feel like I fail as a mom, because hes not getting it, or doesnt know it)
My husband, Oooh man. . Hes all is in a different zone altogether. I just don't know. He choose to stay another week in Rehab, (i figure he begged them) That to me says weakness, he cant stay an live at home without having a strong pull, to drink. Yet on the other hand.. He is saying I need more time, I need more of this help.(is it starting to be his crutch?). that isnt weakness. He had the courage to voice that to his people. Yet he couldnt voice that to me, nor talk to me about it. I am struggling with that in itself.
Me, where do I come in, where do I belong, what am I worth? When can I, when do I, make myself first, make myself happy? When do I let go of all of them (my boys) and just do me? I don't know how to, and I dont have anyone to help me. (at least thats how I feel, because when it comes to going to a shrink, I have to give up my baby Paxton, to day care, which isnt something im comfortable with) I know i need to. . but I dont want to, because we all have our own limits and self laws. Still, I am just a girl. Trying to figure life out and live life, an wanting to make it happy all on my own. I thought I needed Michael to be apart of that. But I'm learning I'm just a codependent. Do I stay here, an feel alone in all this, or do I leave an go back state side an continue to do it alone? What is best for me? What is best for my children?
The choice is easy Children are like flowers water them with love, discipline, protection, an care. they will shine, an blossom into great men,
ReplyDeleteHappier and the boys shell grow into good men who shell & will love and care for thier mom Ashley Anne for the rest of her days and beyond.. Words of a wise man.